Justin Bieber – Look At Me Eject

by Matthew Lempitsky, published June 7th 2011

In an era of pop music defined by artists slinging shit against the wall and marketing the subsequent mp3 file as their new hit single, Justin Bieber demonstrates his newfound maturity with the release of his new concept album, Look At Me Eject.  When we pointed out to Justin that as an acronym his new album spelled ‘€œlame,’€ he quipped, ‘€œHaven’t you ever heard of irony?’€ We assured him we have.  Regardless, this move marks a turning point in Bieber’s career. Having scrapped the hackneyed method of producing music for marketability’s sake, it has become quite apparent this is music for music’s sake. You may be asking yourself, ‘€œWell, what the fuck is the concept album about?’€ Calm down all you Bieber Blowhards! It’s about puberty. You know puberty, the thing that is like Jury Duty, in that, no one wants it to happen but everyone goes through it (also you should never wear sweatpants during either).  During this forty-six minute tour de force, Bieber grabs his listeners by the hand and takes them through a labyrinthine maze of ejaculation, acne, and social awkwardness.

The album opens with ‘€œWhat’s this?’€ The song chronicles Bieber’s initial discovery of his first pubic hair. It is reminiscent of the song of the same name from Tim Burton’s A Nightmare Before Christmas, except instead of discovering the awe and magic of Christmas, Bieber discovers his startling, albeit exciting nether-moss. Bieber is able to encapsulate this ambivalent feeling of fear and wonder with lyrics like, ‘€œWhat’s this? What’s this? Another Pubic hair? / What’s this? What’s this? It’s growing everywhere!’€

The album keeps pace with the second track, ‘€œMom (Haven’t You Heard of Knocking?).’€ In this song, Bieber takes his listener’s on an emotional rollercoaster wrought with excitement and utter humiliation. For Bieber, the discovery of masturbation seems to rival one’s first visit to Walt Disney World (with the visit culminating with a ride on Splash Mountain). The song begins by depicting the sheer delight of his newfound discovery with lyrics like, ‘€œI could do it for days, I could do it for weeks/ I don’t know if I’m ever gonna’ sleep.’€  The song reaches its emotional crescendo when all the instrumentation stops at once and the creaking of a door is heard, followed by a woman, presumably Bieber’s mother, saying ‘€œJustin, dinner is ready.’€ After this surprise the listener learns Bieber just narrowly escaped full exposure as Bieber melodically reveals, ‘€œPicked a bad time beat my meat. / Thank God, I was under my sheets.’€

Bieber’s coming of age discoveries also cover the devastating effects of acne on “Pepperoni Pizza,” while the panic and confusion surrounding nocturnal emissions (or ‘€˜mid-sleep penis sneezes’ as they are known in the scientific community) is captured on the erratic “What Do I Do With These Boxers?”  ”Behind my bed or burn them?” Bieber asks, ultimately leaving the decision up to the listener.  Sexual frustration and confusion is explored on “Pituitary Blues (Whore and Hormones)” as his fluctuating chemicals lead to waxing and waning feelings for another girl.  ”I hate you, I love you/ you’re pretty, but I hate you,” croons Bieber, tormented.

The last track on the album is entitled, ‘€œPut Your Hands Up (And Drop My Balls).’€ Clearly a reference to his testicles deciding to do their inevitable bungee jump, Bieber concludes the album with the most radio-friendly track. This song is just a fun romp that will inevitably lead you to just putting your hands up. Period (puberty pun intended).

So where does that leave us? To answer my own question, it leaves us with an album that defines a generation. This album will be recorded in the history books as the definitive adolescent, coming of age tale of the second decade of the twenty-first century. With Bieber at the helm, this album sails its way through murky and contentious waters, but he finally reaches the shore of manhood. That’s more than we can say for some people. Yeah, we’re looking at you, NKOTBSB.

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